Beautiful eternal souls ✨🌈✨
I sat in ceremony today with one of my teachers contemplating about my so called spiritual teachers that I had or still have in my life; most of them being men.
It has always been very important to me to have “a teacher” And the search has taken me to faraway lands. Funnily enough I never felt that anyone saw me as their student despite all of my efforts....
With one recent exception: Ail Ansari. Thank you ❤️
What came to me today (and it had crossed my mind before, but I ignored it, because I wasn’t ready to see this truth) is that I was looking for a father figure in those teachers. Someone who shows me new things, passes on their wisdom, teaches me with compassion and patience, praises me and is occasionally strict to help me step into my power.
I didn’t really have a positive male role model when I grew up with my father being caught up in inner child wounding his whole life, one of my brothers being a heroin addict and my other brother wasn’t really present.
At the age of 14 I chose a partner aged 18 and I would usually go for men, who are quite a bit older than me.
My ex-husband is actually younger than me, but there are aspects of him fulfilling that desire to be protected, provided for and thinking I needed an external “voice of reason”.
So when we separated at the beginning of this year it broke my heart, because more than losing a lover, I felt I had lost that “father figure”, which is very unhealthy for a romantic relationship obviously... However it always comes down to our inner child that cries out for love, wanting to feel safe and looked after. As long as that child is wounded we will play out our old stories especially in relationships.
Today in ceremony it became very clear, what I am looking for is the divine masculine, my king, who I have been looking for outside of myself once again.
(this entire post is inspired by my beautiful friend, priestess of Sophia - Magdalene Annabel du Boulay and her recent piece of writing about “the inner king” on Instagram @annabelduboulay)
With all the excitement about the rising of the sacred feminine, bringing her in so strongly, getting a huge Mary Magdalene serpent tattoo, holding women circles and retreats, I totally forgot about the sacred masculine.
Actually I hadn’t only forgotten, I had made my own masculine wrong, saying it’s distorted, that I had control issues, I am too strong and uncompromising, too rigid blah, blah, blah....
There have been many beautiful men, brothers, friends, teachers, lovers in my life, who have been teaching me (in sometimes obvious, other times completely unexpected ways) that I have to find my divine masculine within, my inner king, feel the natural strength, the clarity, perseverance, power to express and manifest. Only with this energy can I bring my light into the world.
There have been life times where I myself misused the male energy, no doubt, where I experimented with the energies of power and domination, followed by life times of being a victim of aggression with a resistance in my heart to defend myself.
But both masculine and feminine energies need to be in balance and therefore it is important to make peace with any previous distortions of either of those two energies.
Who has helped me doing this most, is my ultimate teacher, my higher self which I recently named Hamaima, the spiritual name that has been given to me a few years ago (meaning: where the heart of the universe is born).
For me Hamaima stands for a place in me, a state where masculine and feminine energies complement each other, are in perfect balance and tantric union, gentle and strong at the same time. A place of universal, unconditional love where the sacred feminine and sacred masculine are interwoven in a magical eternal dance of creation.
I pray that each day a bit more I will be able to reside in this place, feel at home wherever I am, feel whole and complete in myself and most importantly know that I am loved.
May we all meet in this place of perfect harmony, sit in sacred circles, enjoy each others’ company, share our stories, songs and gifts. May we love each other in these challenging times. May we be observers with the deepest compassion in our hearts, but not get involved in the dramas that are playing out right now. All is well ✨✨✨
