The brilliant light of the darkness

Beautiful Soul

You might find yourself in a place of darkness right now or in a place of lightness....Wherever you might be is perfect and I am there with you. 

We are approaching the solstice, a powerful time for self-reflection and I invite you to create sacred space to do this on the 21st of December. 

All of you have shown immense courage to once again incarnate into human form despite your knowledge on a soul level, that you will most likely forget your true origin and your magic when you “land” here. 

“Notice how stubborn your joy of life must be that you have ventured once again to take the leap... Here you are in body and flesh. You again felt that longing - you are alive, you feel, you are here, and that is a miracle of love and trust. Your love, beauty and light are inexhaustible and you are carriers of Oneness on Earth”.- From the Jeshua Channelings 

You came here to continue to learn and evolve. You came here as part of the collective consciousness with your own unique vibration and purpose. 

The pain and challenges you might experience are part of a grander plan, which you have co-created before you incarnated.

But please don’t feel powerless and hopeless. 

With increased consciousness you will navigate those challenges (or better opportunities) with more ease and you will be able to see the blessings in everything you experience. 

And most importantly don’t be afraid of the darkness. 

If you want to hold a higher vibration of light you will have to visit the darkest places of your inner realm. 

As Rumi said so beautifully: “The wound is where the light enters”

Instead of going into the darkness as a victim however, go with an open courageous heart and with a trusted guide by your side. 

Go and find those abandoned parts of yourself. Visualise your fear, your shame, your guilt, your despair as neglected children. What these children want is for you to see them, love them, to no longer make them wrong, to embrace them and fully acknowledge them as parts of you, which make you the magnificent being that you are. 

Feel all those feelings in their full immensity. A short while is enough. What is needed is your acknowledgement without judgement - Your unconditional love for everything without exception. 

We are going through phases in life just as Grandmother Moon is teaching us so beautifully - death and rebirth each month. 

Please no longer shy away from looking deep within. Use the breath to surrender and go even deeper, let go.... 

Your resistance is what makes this so painful. Do not be afraid. All is made of love and everything is here for you. 

In the darkest darkness lay the seeds for the most brilliant light, a vibration so high, that you could have never dreamt of. Your potential is limitless magical beings of light. 

Mother Earth has provided us with powerful tools to do this work. Connect to this ancient wisdom and make it your own, because in your heart you are your ancestors, you are the earth, you are the sky, you are the sun and the moon. 

And most importantly you are LOVE ❤️

The (my) Divine Masculine

Beautiful eternal souls ✨🌈✨

I sat in ceremony today with one of my teachers contemplating about my so called spiritual teachers that I had or still have in my life; most of them being men. 

It has always been very important to me to have “a teacher” And the search has taken me to faraway lands. Funnily enough I never felt that anyone saw me as their student despite all of my efforts.... 

With one recent exception: Ail Ansari. Thank you ❤️

What came to me today (and it had crossed my mind before, but I ignored it, because I wasn’t ready to see this truth) is that I was looking for a father figure in those teachers. Someone who shows me new things, passes on their wisdom, teaches me with compassion and patience, praises me and is occasionally strict to help me step into my power. 

I didn’t really have a positive male role model when I grew up with my father being caught up in inner child wounding his whole life, one of my brothers being a heroin addict and my other brother wasn’t really present. 

At the age of 14 I chose a partner aged 18 and I would usually go for men, who are quite a bit older than me. 

My ex-husband is actually younger than me, but  there are aspects of him fulfilling that desire to be protected, provided for and thinking I needed an external “voice of reason”.

So when we separated at the beginning of this year it broke my heart, because more than losing a lover, I felt I had lost that “father figure”, which is very unhealthy for a romantic relationship obviously... However it always comes down to our inner child that cries out for love, wanting to feel safe and looked after. As long as that child is wounded we will play out our old stories especially in relationships. 

Today in ceremony it became very clear, what I am looking for is the divine masculine, my king, who I have been looking for outside of myself once again. 

(this entire post is inspired by my beautiful friend, priestess of Sophia - Magdalene Annabel du Boulay and her recent piece of writing about “the inner king” on Instagram @annabelduboulay)

With all the excitement about the rising of the sacred feminine, bringing her in so strongly, getting a huge Mary Magdalene serpent tattoo, holding women circles and retreats, I totally forgot about the sacred masculine. 

Actually I hadn’t only forgotten, I had made my own masculine wrong, saying it’s distorted, that I had control issues, I am too strong and uncompromising, too rigid blah, blah, blah.... 

There have been many beautiful men, brothers, friends, teachers, lovers in my life, who have been teaching me (in sometimes obvious, other times completely unexpected ways) that I have to find my divine masculine within, my inner king, feel the natural strength, the clarity, perseverance, power to express and manifest. Only with this energy can I bring my light into the world. 

There have been life times where I myself misused the male energy, no doubt, where I experimented with the energies of power and domination, followed by life times of being a victim of aggression with a resistance in my heart to defend myself.

But both masculine and feminine energies need to be in balance and therefore it is important to make peace with any previous distortions of either of those two energies. 

Who has helped me doing this most, is my ultimate teacher, my higher self which I recently named Hamaima, the spiritual name that has been given to me a few years ago (meaning: where the heart of the universe is born).

For me Hamaima stands for a place in me, a state where masculine and feminine energies complement each other, are in perfect balance and tantric union, gentle and strong at the same time. A place of universal, unconditional love where the sacred feminine and sacred masculine are interwoven in a magical eternal dance of creation.

I pray that each day a bit more I will be able to reside in this place, feel at home wherever I am, feel whole and complete in myself and most importantly know that I am loved. 
 

May we all meet in this place of perfect harmony, sit in sacred circles, enjoy each others’ company, share our stories, songs and gifts. May we love each other in these challenging times. May we be observers with the deepest compassion in our hearts, but not get involved in the dramas that are playing out right now. All is well ✨✨✨

A lover’s note ❤️

There is a yearning in my soul, that I can hardly bear

It leaves me wandering aimlessly in mind and on my feet

There is a longing in my heart that wants to be fulfilled

Holding on to my lovers only to feel more alone

My soul says: I am tired of this game, the cosmic joke is not that funny anymore and I have had enough of my own reflections

Somehow it all feels a bit pointless

However, from deep within whispers a gentle voice:

Your unique frequency is key my dear woman.

Don’t give up loving!

And the same is true for you beautiful soul.

So I shall do what I came here to do, to be present, to love and to live the beauty way.

I shall celebrate the good times and embrace the bad ones.

I shall not judge myself or others as everything is perfect as it is.

I shall merely observe with utmost compassion.

And with that I shall let go of the shore and be swept out to sea

I am carried away...

Swimming in the ocean of love once again where I am you and you are me

No more yearning, no more longing, no more questioning and trying to make sense of it all

Simply being one with source!

And you are here with me beloved soul - Hamaima ✨🌈✨

Thank you ❤️

Hello magical tribe ✨🌈✨

I have received so many beautiful emails and messages after posting my last newsletter (which was my attempt to process a traumatic experience), and I wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your wisdom, your support and your love with me ❤️

Thank you for allowing me to be vulnerable so I could let go completely of any pretences, my masks, walls around my heart or equal bullshit that one uses expertly to keep up appearances.

I can’t tell you how much it meant to me to hear from you. Some of you I haven’t seen for many years. You told me that you still eagerly read my newsletters and that they helped you through some dark times. And I love that!

Some of you told me that you had been jealous of me previously, my travels and my freedom and now realised that we are all just trying to make sense of this exciting ride in our “human space suits” (thank you magical Jemmita Inkarri for this expression).

Everyone of us goes through tough times at certain stages in our lives and that’s just as much part of the experience than the glorious, ecstatic times of new love, when we feel totally invincible.

It is time to get real, dive deep, look at our shadows and love every part of us that we find deep inside (sometimes in awe, sometimes in shock) in equal measures.

As my beautiful friend Jo De Rosa put it recently “no more fucking around”!

It is time to share openly with each other now, to allow ourselves to be vulnerable, to come out of our closets and to no longer be afraid of our magic.

When we fall, we fall! We get up, brush off the dust and try a different way. When we rise, we rise! Enjoy it and make sure you celebrate each other!

I couldn’t do what I am doing without knowing that my beautiful tribe and heart family is out there having my back.

And I love you so much!!! Thank you, thank, thank you 🙏

P.S. Since I was told it was all about fashion with me, I am trying to be even more colourful. A big WHATEVER to that one 😇

Lost……

After I had a wonderful time in the Peruvian Andes with magical Jemmita Inkarri and have come to some realisations about “spiritual seeking” (I have talked about this in my previous newsletter) I went off to do the “Maren thing” and just pushed it too much....

This time I went on a quest under the “disguise” of learning to hold space with a particular medicine and not so much for self-healing...although of course these two things always go hand in hand. 

Without much discernment or research, just by following a recommendation, I went off to a place that was ultimately “perfect” for what I had to learn, but at the same time brought me onto my knees ... (which is putting it mildly believe me). 

And what I received was a massive warning (kick up the backside) from spirit which I am only now starting to process with the help of loved ones that have been amazingly supportive from afar. Thank you so much. 

And of course it is easy to go into a victim mentality, but as we all know that’s not very helpful. Although I must say my inner child is still mortified. 

It has been interesting to listen to feedback from different sources after this experience. 

Some of it was obvious and although I hadn’t followed my own inner wisdom on this one, I totally get it and bow my head to it. 

But there was some feedback that was a little bit harder to listen to (and this is of course the most powerful one) 

And here it goes: 

With you it’s all about your image and spiritual fashion 

You try to play Shaman 

You don’t look deep inside 

I witnessed your spiritual Ego getting bigger this year after the separation from your husband 

You are lost 

You are always forcing things 

You often leave if things don’t go your way 

You don’t want to hear the truth 

10 years of intense spiritual work is not that long and you actually don’t know yourself very well 

Phew, a lot to take in, especially after I felt so awesome about myself after the pilgrimage in the Andes. 

But as we all know there is a reason for “everything” and again I bow my head in gratitude to those who are not afraid to spell out uncomfortable truths.

I have taken and will take time to deeply look at all these beautiful gifts that were given to me. 

But: (-: 

I won’t stop wearing my “spiritual fashion”, feathers in my hair and colourful jewellery and to be honest, I don’t care if people think that’s all about image, because I know deep within it’s not and I LOVE it. It makes many people (especially children) happy how I look with my Merlin coat and feathered hat....

Surely there is a part of me that wants to be noticed, but more so I want to show people that there is another way and not to care so much about what others think. Be the joy, be the love, be you! right? 

I just wanted to make that clear 😇

Thinking about it all, the comment about me being lost “hit home” the most. 

Thank you my dear friend and mentor Michael Reece for putting it this way. And although it made me a little sad, it is time to go into this feeling deeply. 

Actually, if I am totally honest it all comes down to (yet again...) wanting to be seen and loved and acknowledged. It comes down to not feeling enough, there is a lack of this and that... 

To sum it up: Giving my power away! 

I have created a life for myself with constantly moving around, being single and only seeing my friends and family fleetingly here and there, that makes it extra challenging in a way. 

I met a beautiful man this summer and it was so obvious what the universe was doing that it was almost funny! It all seemed ridiculously perfect and what we could achieve together in spreading the message of pure divine love, would just be out of this world.

After reflection, I found myself going into a similar pattern to when I met my ex-husband Kris 10 years ago. 

Which is seeing a romantic partner as the one who will make it all worth while and help me not to feel lost anymore.

Luckily (and this is not my human self talking...) this man is not available for me.

And this is because I needed to spend this year on my own. There is no “other” who will solve all my problems, who will love my inner child, gives me a purpose, the answer of where to live etc. No, no, no.... Not this time cup cake (-; 

And if you are reading this you beautiful man, then I won’t blame you if you run a mile now....Thank you ❤️

Anyway, I just had to remind myself to take a deep breath!!!!! And another one, and another one....

All is well!!!! 

I have just arrived in Antigua, Guatemala and I am about to spend three months at magical Lake Atitlan. I have some beautiful souls coming to visit to do work with me and some of my friends are coming to spend Christmas with me, which will be so awesome. 

So there you are, thank you for letting me bare my soul. I can feel your love and support through the ethers. And I am here for you always ❤️