A lover’s note ❤️

There is a yearning in my soul, that I can hardly bear

It leaves me wandering aimlessly in mind and on my feet

There is a longing in my heart that wants to be fulfilled

Holding on to my lovers only to feel more alone

My soul says: I am tired of this game, the cosmic joke is not that funny anymore and I have had enough of my own reflections

Somehow it all feels a bit pointless

However, from deep within whispers a gentle voice:

Your unique frequency is key my dear woman.

Don’t give up loving!

And the same is true for you beautiful soul.

So I shall do what I came here to do, to be present, to love and to live the beauty way.

I shall celebrate the good times and embrace the bad ones.

I shall not judge myself or others as everything is perfect as it is.

I shall merely observe with utmost compassion.

And with that I shall let go of the shore and be swept out to sea

I am carried away...

Swimming in the ocean of love once again where I am you and you are me

No more yearning, no more longing, no more questioning and trying to make sense of it all

Simply being one with source!

And you are here with me beloved soul - Hamaima ✨🌈✨

Thank you ❤️

Hello magical tribe ✨🌈✨

I have received so many beautiful emails and messages after posting my last newsletter (which was my attempt to process a traumatic experience), and I wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your wisdom, your support and your love with me ❤️

Thank you for allowing me to be vulnerable so I could let go completely of any pretences, my masks, walls around my heart or equal bullshit that one uses expertly to keep up appearances.

I can’t tell you how much it meant to me to hear from you. Some of you I haven’t seen for many years. You told me that you still eagerly read my newsletters and that they helped you through some dark times. And I love that!

Some of you told me that you had been jealous of me previously, my travels and my freedom and now realised that we are all just trying to make sense of this exciting ride in our “human space suits” (thank you magical Jemmita Inkarri for this expression).

Everyone of us goes through tough times at certain stages in our lives and that’s just as much part of the experience than the glorious, ecstatic times of new love, when we feel totally invincible.

It is time to get real, dive deep, look at our shadows and love every part of us that we find deep inside (sometimes in awe, sometimes in shock) in equal measures.

As my beautiful friend Jo De Rosa put it recently “no more fucking around”!

It is time to share openly with each other now, to allow ourselves to be vulnerable, to come out of our closets and to no longer be afraid of our magic.

When we fall, we fall! We get up, brush off the dust and try a different way. When we rise, we rise! Enjoy it and make sure you celebrate each other!

I couldn’t do what I am doing without knowing that my beautiful tribe and heart family is out there having my back.

And I love you so much!!! Thank you, thank, thank you 🙏

P.S. Since I was told it was all about fashion with me, I am trying to be even more colourful. A big WHATEVER to that one 😇

Lost……

After I had a wonderful time in the Peruvian Andes with magical Jemmita Inkarri and have come to some realisations about “spiritual seeking” (I have talked about this in my previous newsletter) I went off to do the “Maren thing” and just pushed it too much....

This time I went on a quest under the “disguise” of learning to hold space with a particular medicine and not so much for self-healing...although of course these two things always go hand in hand. 

Without much discernment or research, just by following a recommendation, I went off to a place that was ultimately “perfect” for what I had to learn, but at the same time brought me onto my knees ... (which is putting it mildly believe me). 

And what I received was a massive warning (kick up the backside) from spirit which I am only now starting to process with the help of loved ones that have been amazingly supportive from afar. Thank you so much. 

And of course it is easy to go into a victim mentality, but as we all know that’s not very helpful. Although I must say my inner child is still mortified. 

It has been interesting to listen to feedback from different sources after this experience. 

Some of it was obvious and although I hadn’t followed my own inner wisdom on this one, I totally get it and bow my head to it. 

But there was some feedback that was a little bit harder to listen to (and this is of course the most powerful one) 

And here it goes: 

With you it’s all about your image and spiritual fashion 

You try to play Shaman 

You don’t look deep inside 

I witnessed your spiritual Ego getting bigger this year after the separation from your husband 

You are lost 

You are always forcing things 

You often leave if things don’t go your way 

You don’t want to hear the truth 

10 years of intense spiritual work is not that long and you actually don’t know yourself very well 

Phew, a lot to take in, especially after I felt so awesome about myself after the pilgrimage in the Andes. 

But as we all know there is a reason for “everything” and again I bow my head in gratitude to those who are not afraid to spell out uncomfortable truths.

I have taken and will take time to deeply look at all these beautiful gifts that were given to me. 

But: (-: 

I won’t stop wearing my “spiritual fashion”, feathers in my hair and colourful jewellery and to be honest, I don’t care if people think that’s all about image, because I know deep within it’s not and I LOVE it. It makes many people (especially children) happy how I look with my Merlin coat and feathered hat....

Surely there is a part of me that wants to be noticed, but more so I want to show people that there is another way and not to care so much about what others think. Be the joy, be the love, be you! right? 

I just wanted to make that clear 😇

Thinking about it all, the comment about me being lost “hit home” the most. 

Thank you my dear friend and mentor Michael Reece for putting it this way. And although it made me a little sad, it is time to go into this feeling deeply. 

Actually, if I am totally honest it all comes down to (yet again...) wanting to be seen and loved and acknowledged. It comes down to not feeling enough, there is a lack of this and that... 

To sum it up: Giving my power away! 

I have created a life for myself with constantly moving around, being single and only seeing my friends and family fleetingly here and there, that makes it extra challenging in a way. 

I met a beautiful man this summer and it was so obvious what the universe was doing that it was almost funny! It all seemed ridiculously perfect and what we could achieve together in spreading the message of pure divine love, would just be out of this world.

After reflection, I found myself going into a similar pattern to when I met my ex-husband Kris 10 years ago. 

Which is seeing a romantic partner as the one who will make it all worth while and help me not to feel lost anymore.

Luckily (and this is not my human self talking...) this man is not available for me.

And this is because I needed to spend this year on my own. There is no “other” who will solve all my problems, who will love my inner child, gives me a purpose, the answer of where to live etc. No, no, no.... Not this time cup cake (-; 

And if you are reading this you beautiful man, then I won’t blame you if you run a mile now....Thank you ❤️

Anyway, I just had to remind myself to take a deep breath!!!!! And another one, and another one....

All is well!!!! 

I have just arrived in Antigua, Guatemala and I am about to spend three months at magical Lake Atitlan. I have some beautiful souls coming to visit to do work with me and some of my friends are coming to spend Christmas with me, which will be so awesome. 

So there you are, thank you for letting me bare my soul. I can feel your love and support through the ethers. And I am here for you always ❤️
 

Akehela Aho! All is good, thank you.

This truly has been a turbulent year of laughing, crying, screaming, dancing, ecstatic bliss, letting go, deep loving and so much more and it ain't over yet....

Wow!!!!! Thank you Universe for all that I have been blessed to experience. Some of your messages were subtle, some totally in my face, Some, I still haven't figured out, but all I know is:

AKEHELA AHO! ALL IS GOOD, THANK YOU.

I know many of you are deeply worried about the state the world is in, but I invite you to to be observers, who observe with compassion and forgiveness rather than to get upset, judgemental and hopeless.

Mother Earth is a multi dimensional being expressing herself in a physical body. She could swallow us all up in one second if she wanted to. She knows exactly what she is doing and that is asking us to remember WHO WE TRULY ARE!

So stop polluting your mind with fear based news, predictions of doom and gloom, stop spreading negativity, because that makes you part of the problem. Stop looking on the outside for answers, stop blaming and shaming, stop making yourself small, because YOU ARE NOT SMALL! YOU ARE EVERYTHING! YOU ARE GOD/GODDESS and that makes everything possible for you, always.

What you are seeing out there is you being polluted inside, you are burning inside. Surely this is becoming unbearable by now. So WAKE UP to the eternal love that is your essence and shine as bright as the sun, so we can lift each other up and ALL RISE UP TOGETHER!

Phew, highly charged words. I know, but they wanted to come out. Please know that I love you very much wherever you are at in your journey.

I see you!

I have spent time in two of my favourite places for the last few months, Guatemala and New Zealand, and it was truly wonderful to be there with beautiful old and new friends.

However, after having lived in London for about 12 years this city still feels more like a home than anywhere else and that is mainly due to my beautiful soul family here. Thank you All. 

Once again I found myself in a position in the last two months mainly, where I felt completely detached from everything. Floating in empty space with the feeling that it would be quite easy to just disappear. This might sound slightly morbid and to be honest I came to that place at some point.  

A place of utter despair that I didn’t expect to find inside of me. This happened during a ceremony that I did in solitude and it truly did open my eyes to the collective suffering that we experience in the world right now.

I connected to the wound of separation that we all carry so deeply, the need for acknowledgement, the feeling of not being loved, the belief system that we have to achieve, that we have to “do” to be worthy and the list goes on.

I know myself pretty well by now and I am very aware of my wounding, have made peace with it and don’t judge myself for it. Or at least so I thought……

What became very clear during the ceremony in which there were no distractions, no need for me to hold space for anyone, no one to turn to…, was that I have not let go of the fears that I am so aware of such as: I find it quite difficult to be on my own, to just BE, to not “care ’for others, to not feel “useful”, to summarise, I guess you would say I want “to be seen” or “to be findable” and don’t know who I am when I don’t have this outside feedback.  Wow! It all came crashing down…..to a point where I would have quite happily dropped my body…..

Anyway, I haven’t and although I still feel shaken up slightly at the same time a new energy has come in. It is a little hard to describe it just yet. Mhmmmm……

It really is all about letting go, surrendering, not being attached to any outcome. Just living each moment with fullest awareness of it all! 

As many of you know I play a Chiron gong and resonate deeply with the message that Chiron has for us: 

“We all have wounds in this life. We all have things we cannot change and painful pasts that are hard to erase. Chiron encourages us to heal and work through these, but he also encourages us to consider our wounds as portals of power.

When we experience pain, heartache, and loss, that is when we open. It is when we are in these states that we experience pure vulnerability and pure openness. When our heart breaks our heart opens, and it is often through these experiences that we awaken and step into a new truth.” (From Forever Conscious) 

Yes, maybe I can say I stepped into a new truth, that which cannot be put into words.

I am looking forward to further share this truth with more empathy and humility during my offerings.

I have been called a “tough German cookie” by one of my teachers and I might come across like that sometimes, but believe me I really can relate to what many of us are going through.

One of my friends said to me years ago: “You are the biggest little girl I know” And I think that’s fitting for all of us (or little boy of course), right? Always, remember this when you see someone struggling. Be kind to yourself and each other in these challenging times! 

“The elders say we must let go of the shore.

Push off into the middle of the river,

Keep our eyes open and our heads above water.

And I say; see who is in there with you,

Hold fast to them and celebrate!” From the Hopi Prophecy

I am there with you!